Asking Questions

I asked her if she loved me on Sunday. She shows no remorse to the answer but stated that she did not, not love me, just that it is life and cut your loses and move on. If it hurts her, i cannot see it...

What machine we become. Are we all so tainted? In the business world that all she can see is loses and gains like on a business ledger? Life is, i guess a business in some aspects, but when we depersonalize to that extent, what is left? A business deal that feel through, a contract that was broken? I like to think that i am more than a balance on a ledger sheet in this world, but i guess that i am no more than that to her...


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Wondering...

Wondering...
Originally uploaded by RMStringer

It is just a little dark at the moment...

I stopped my truck on the way home last night. Took this pic of the gauges, GPS, and the road ahead. I wondered what was ahead for me. What is ahead for me in life? I have all the tools that i need to start this new adventure in my life. I wonder where it is going to take me and when it will happen? Like the song titled "How Soon Is Now?

Give Me A Break

I just wonder if at some point in this life, i can get a break. Stuff just tries to keep holding me back down all the time. Time is a factor that i do not have a lot of at this moment. The home i am supposed to move into has work to be done at with a little over 2 weeks for em to be able to move into. Inspections and all of that mess. Permits, yadda, yadda, what a nightmare this is turning into.

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Life Coming At Cha...

We often have a picture of how our life should be. Of how we want it. perhaps we get it that way but we are not satisfied? We all have a picture of how we want it to be and if we get it that way, it tends to be destroyed by us or someone else. Perhaps we are at fault or the other party are at fault, who knows who it really is?

We can see it coming toward us in slow motion but there is nothing that we can do to prevent it from happening. though NO PART OF OUT OWN AND THROUGH ALL PARTS OF OUT OWN, We KILL THE LOVE AND COMPASSION THAT WE ONCE HAD TOGETHER. We can see it in slow motion with rose colored glasses to help, but they do not.

So now at these points in out lives we cant stand the other one. There's no love between us anymore. we just have to deal and live the best way we can. Try to remain civil and get on with our lives that have become broken...


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A Few Memories Of Mine...

When I was born, it was in Austin Texas. I was born at Seaton Memorial, which is no longer there. It has been torn down. We lived in campus housing there at UT and some apartments on North Lamar Blvd. They are still there. Soon afterward, we moved to Kirbyville Texas where I lived until my 8th grade year then I moved to Jasper to live with my mother and I graduated from Jasper High school in 1989.

Throughout my whole life I always wanted to live as far away from there as I could, I even said that I wanted to live in New Your City, I got very close to there, Massachusetts was about 5 hours from there. I also felt this incredible draw to Austin Texas. I did make it back to Austin, but it was not what I expected.

I was a big partier when I was about 18 years old until I was 29 and I decided to get my life straightened out. All the while, I always had the vision or dream if you will about if I was able to go and live in Austin that my life would be complete. I would have the friends that I wanted to have and the job that I needed, the girl, bla bla bla and so on and so forth. I can still picture that scene with me and my friends walking down a street in Austin laughing and joking with each other. I can still remember the clothes and hair that I would have as strange as that is.

Looking back on this dream, I can tell that I was part of my addiction manifesting itself at an early age. I was never really comfortable in my own skin even at an early age; I had friends and had what I wanted, but it was more than that. I was an unrest that I could never put my finger upon until later in my life after I got clean and sober. I have been clean and sober for over 5 years now. I did make it to my promise land, Austin, and the things that I sought after for so many years did not come to fruition. I was deeply in the throes of my addiction at that time and was miserable with myself and everyone around me.

Some good did come out of me moving to Austin, I did get clean and I did get married to a very special and wonderful person whom I love and admire. I have a wonderful daughter. I have a family of my own and even though at times it might be hard, I would not trade it for anything in the world. We have done more in the last 5+ years together then I could have ever have hoped for when I was out there suffering with my disease.



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Been A While...

It has been a while since my last post. It was hard for me Easter Day. Very hard. It was Easter 1 year ago that i was out in this area looking for a new home with my soon to be EX-Wife and daughter. It is funny how things can change in 1 years time. I know that it has taken more than 1 year for things to get like they are but that doesn't make it any easier.

I want to tell my ex how i feel about all of this and how she acts as if nothing can hurt her. Like she does not even care that i am leaving. I wonder if i could have done more than what i did or didn't do to make whit work. But in the end, it really does not matter. It is over and i accept it. She seems to be moving on with her life and making plans, why should i not do the same?

As my good friend told me, "This is the Summer of my life" about to begin...


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Tulip Memories..

Three In A Row...
Originally uploaded by RMStringer

I guess that i have always loved nature and flowers. I had 2 Grandmothers that love to plant flower gardens and an Aunt that also fostered that love in me.

Going out and shooting Flowers and Blooms kind of brings bback the memories of the one that have pass on to the other side of life and helps me remember the one that is still with us, but not the same as she was before the cancer. I will always love and cherish the moments that i spent with all of them and will love to be reunited with them in the next one...