Life...

I feel trapped by a system i didn't create.  My time at Lake Rayburn, id like to say was a favorable time, has not been as such.  There are bright spots in the 2 years because of people that i have met and or reconnected with.

Family issues that are a worsening situation with the impending death of my most beloved Grandmother has spurned sad feelings with family members.  Watching a person that raised you from 4 till you got your act together is a hard sight to take. Watching them become a far pale shade of a human being, once so vibrant and full of life, to a dieing husk of a former person is not a wondrous sight to behold.

Trying to make a life anew, once again, is tenuous at best in the rural, wooded area that is Lake Rayburn. With no big industry or prospects there of, one has to do what he or she can to make a living.

Living here makes me long for the hustle and bustle of the big metro areas that i once lived with culture and prospects of betterment to ones life unlike the sedate lake life. Ventures in a rural town are cumbersome at best because you are an outsider once again trying to break into the "Good Ole Boy" system that is in place. Where deals are cut at the deer lease and in the "religious" institutions of the city. A hand shake and a verbal contract do not hold up even for life long friends of "the family" as i have discovered.

Sometimes it is nice to go to a place where everyone knows who you are and who your parents are but then again, privacy is much preferred in the city life where you are just another face in the crowd...

SO i do hear distant voices calling from my past like echos from the Elder Gods of time immoral when we were a fledgling species.  Go forth and see what is out there, do not stay in your comfort zone(s) Go and make a life anew in a different place and Live, Live, Live...


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New Life(s)

In the past 20 years i have lived more than a lot of people would have ever wanted to. I have been a party person, a student, a friend, a dad, a husband, a lover, a cheat, a lair, a thief. I have lived so many lives that i care and dare not try to name them all. I am now living another life that i thought would never happen; it was in my head that it could happen. I hoped that it would not come to what it had to before this happened to me.

Many lives that we all lead, this is one i did not want to ever have to live, a divorced 37 year old with no children of my own. Now i am faced with a very hard and strange choice. DO i want to have a child of my own with someone when and if i find someone special or do i want to stay a single man or married with no children and have they type of life?

I have a friend(s) that has a 6 yer old son and just had another baby at 40. He is a Doctor in Virginia. He has the means to live like that and have another kid at 40.

Living so many lives makes it hard to settle down and try to focus on a single life to lead when the time should come for that. I wonder where this life that i have now will lead me...


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Asking Questions

I asked her if she loved me on Sunday. She shows no remorse to the answer but stated that she did not, not love me, just that it is life and cut your loses and move on. If it hurts her, i cannot see it...

What machine we become. Are we all so tainted? In the business world that all she can see is loses and gains like on a business ledger? Life is, i guess a business in some aspects, but when we depersonalize to that extent, what is left? A business deal that feel through, a contract that was broken? I like to think that i am more than a balance on a ledger sheet in this world, but i guess that i am no more than that to her...


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Give Me A Break

I just wonder if at some point in this life, i can get a break. Stuff just tries to keep holding me back down all the time. Time is a factor that i do not have a lot of at this moment. The home i am supposed to move into has work to be done at with a little over 2 weeks for em to be able to move into. Inspections and all of that mess. Permits, yadda, yadda, what a nightmare this is turning into.

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How Do You Feel...
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