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Day 25: Texas

Day 25: Texas, a photo by RMStringer on Flickr.

Day 25: Texas

Day 6

Day 6, a photo by RMStringer on Flickr.

Day 6

Rr255 & Hwy96

Rr255 & Hwy96, a photo by RMStringer on Flickr.

Rr255 & Hwy96

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Life...

I feel trapped by a system i didn't create.  My time at Lake Rayburn, id like to say was a favorable time, has not been as such.  There are bright spots in the 2 years because of people that i have met and or reconnected with.

Family issues that are a worsening situation with the impending death of my most beloved Grandmother has spurned sad feelings with family members.  Watching a person that raised you from 4 till you got your act together is a hard sight to take. Watching them become a far pale shade of a human being, once so vibrant and full of life, to a dieing husk of a former person is not a wondrous sight to behold.

Trying to make a life anew, once again, is tenuous at best in the rural, wooded area that is Lake Rayburn. With no big industry or prospects there of, one has to do what he or she can to make a living.

Living here makes me long for the hustle and bustle of the big metro areas that i once lived with culture and prospects of betterment to ones life unlike the sedate lake life. Ventures in a rural town are cumbersome at best because you are an outsider once again trying to break into the "Good Ole Boy" system that is in place. Where deals are cut at the deer lease and in the "religious" institutions of the city. A hand shake and a verbal contract do not hold up even for life long friends of "the family" as i have discovered.

Sometimes it is nice to go to a place where everyone knows who you are and who your parents are but then again, privacy is much preferred in the city life where you are just another face in the crowd...

SO i do hear distant voices calling from my past like echos from the Elder Gods of time immoral when we were a fledgling species.  Go forth and see what is out there, do not stay in your comfort zone(s) Go and make a life anew in a different place and Live, Live, Live...


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Recover and Addiction.

The last 5-6 posts about Recovery and AA or from my own personal experiences.   I wrote the series way back in 2007 while i was on Night Shift at Qimonda Semiconductor fab in Sandston Virginia.

I felt a need to put my self out there and if it helped just one person, then it was worth it to me...


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Trading Drugs? 3/4/08

While i am on the road going to work, i listen to the local radio station. They always play commercials to pay for their air time and i keep hearing one for substance abuse. A person will come on and say do you or someone you know use meth, or cocaine, or alcohol? IF you, you might qualify for a study to take a pill to see if it stops the cravings of the substance(s) you take. you will be compensated with money and travel time. Please call...

This just pisses me off to know ends. On May 5, 2008; i will be 5 years clean and sober and no, i repeat no PILL helped me stop! I was in rehab for 28 days straight and worked a good program for many years afterward to stop. I did not and do not take a pill to stay off drugs and alcohol. No one paid me to stop, i did it on my own.

My compensation for doing so is a clean, sober life. I do not have to get up and take my "no drugs" pill to stave off the cravings and insanity. But let me digress, without a spiritual awakening and the power of God; it would not have happened and or continue to happen. That is not to say i have to live my life "one day at a time;" i make future plans and i try to be the best person i can be and lead a clean healthy life.

So, i guess my point is, they might come up with a pill to make you not want to use anymore but who wants to be bound with a pill to stop taking drugs? SO you put down the crack pipe for a pill to stop; get the picture? If you want to get sober and clean it can be done. Ask for help and get into a 12-Step program that best suits you habit. AA, CA, NA, they are all good if worked correctly and with divine guidance and prayer they will and can work everyday. You can try the "pill" but you will only trade one substance for another, it might not be as bad; it might cost the same or more; you might fill the craving void, but it is not the correct way...

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Another Recovery Memory... 6/15/07

It was back in 2002 when I first tried to get clean. I remember going to several NA meetings and I thought that I liked them. So after a month or so, I asked a person to be my sponsor. His name was Wes or Officer Wes as he is known.

We decided to meet on the next after at a local cafe to discuss The 12 Steps and how I was going to go threw them with him. He gave me his number and told me that if I needed to talk or call him in a weak moment for me to do so no matter what time it was. That is what a sponsor is supposed to do for your information.

I thought that I was doing well and he and I proceeded to work me through the first 3 steps and we would meet regularly at his house or at the cafe. Then came that dreadful day after I had 3 months of sobriety that I had the dreaded "R" word...Relapse! For you see, that can happen if you do not totally put you whole body into the program of recovery. It happened because I still thought that I could drink and get away with it. I could not. For I thought that even though I new alcohol was not my problem, I could still drink like I was ok. For just placing one altering chemical into my body restarted the mental, physical craving that happened to me when I would ingest and use cocaine. Even though alcohol is legal, it is still a drug, plain and simple.

So if you are out there in Recovery land, do not delude yourself by think that you can drink but no do drugs. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

Also so as to not piss anyone off about the anonymity issue, I called him to ask if I could use his name in this blog post. He was most grateful to let me do it...

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Part 6 - Step 11 of my Recovery... 5/27/07

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

This is a very key step in the action part. We all get so busy in your daily lives that we forget to pray about what is going on and if that is what is needed to be what is going on with us. I guess what I am trying to say is that what we are doing; is that what God wants us to be doing. You can get into the whole preordained life or random life thing here-DONT!

In order for this to work, you have to ask God what he needs/wants us to do. I have a problem doing this like most addicts because I want what I want to go on and not what He wants me to do. I try to take back the control in my life and when I do that it most of the time messes up or backfires on me. This is very hard for me to do, but when I do this, it is amazing! When I get out of self and I help other people like I am supposed to it helps me. That is a simple concept, helping you helps me and that is how God wants it. Trying to stay in conscious contact with God is the hard part. We get so busy in our daily grind that we forget to ask is this what I am supposed to do and is it even what you need me to do?

If we just quiet our little voice that we all have and try to listen to God in a meditative moment, we will get the answer. It might not be what we want to hear and often times it is not, but it is what we are supposed to do if you follow the Step to the exact letter. In the Big Book, it says that "Half Steps availed us nothing" which means that we have to do it all or not. DO not halfass make an attempt because it will not work. I try to pray about big things and ask that His will be done; I need to do this in all situations, but I fall short.

If we pray for His power and knowledge to help us in our lives, we are doing Step 11 to the fullest. Do not think that it can be done all the time and completely from the beginning, Rome was not built in a day and it took time for you to get this way. SO try to do as is requested but don’t be too hard on yourself if you do not get it right and you don’t get the answers that you were looking for. They will come when your will come inline with God's Will...

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Step 8 and 9 and 10...Part 5 in the series. 5/9/07

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Well, here it comes. I had to make a list of all the people that I had harmed and had to make nice with them. You mean to tell me that I have to go and apologize to them?? Yes I do and I did. This was a hard step to do as well. I had to humble myself to another person and admit that I was wrong and sorry for what I had done. But wait What if I was not willing to go and talk to them or to tell them I was sorry? What if they had moved on and lost touch? What if they were dead? What if they were alive and they did not know that I did something to harm them? That is where Step 9 comes in; Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 8 was part of it, but Step 9 was an action step. So say that you were dating a person and you cheated on them but they did not know about it. According to Step 8, you need to make amends to them. Step 9 says to do it, but not to harm or injure them. So would telling your girlfriend that you cheated harm her? Yes it would. So this is where a “Living Amends” comes in. The amends process in this instance was for you to not do the action anymore, to not cheat on her and thus, you make amends for the offending action.If someone had moved on or died, it would be impossible to talk to them, so you can write a letter, read it, and then destroy it. You have to make every possible means to contact that person, but this is a way of doing it.

One person that I held resentment to was a very close friend. I went to talk to this person and their reaction was very indifferent to me. Some people will not want to talk to you about what you did or they did, but you will have made the effort and that is the main objective. Some people will be glad that you wanted to talk to them and will be very receptive about the issue. But the main thing is that you will have made the effort on your part. Remember you can’t control other people’s actions, only your own with the help of God.

This process does not have a time limit set for it. It can take some time to complete, but it needs to be done to get all the mess that you have created in your life cleaned out. You have heard of Spring Cleaning? Just think of this like that. You are getting out all of the old BS that has built up over a period of time that has been eating at your soul. When you get some of this off your chest, you will feel so much better, I sure did.

After having done this step, you will move on to Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. You will have to become a more analytical person about your actions and become aware of how you interact with other people. If you come across like an asshole to a person, look at why that happened and then go to them and apologize for that act. I had to the other night at work. I offended a lady and she made mention to a coworker about it. I had to suck it up and go and talk to her and make amends or apologize for it. She was like thank you. So, it works.

I am going to stop here. I am not ready to discuss the next step with you as it is a very hard one to do and these last 2 steps are a mouthful to comprehend and work on. God Bless and have a wonderful evening or day depending where you live…



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A New Better Way...another insight into me. 4/29/07

cor·ol·lar·y (kôr'ə-lĕr'ē, kŏr'-) n., pl. -ies.
-A proposition that follows with little or no proof required from one already proven.
-A deduction or an inference.
-A natural consequence or effect; a result.

adj.
Consequent; resultant.
[Middle English corolarie, from Latin corōllārium,
money paid for a garland, gratuity, from corōlla, small garland. See corolla.]

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Perhaps what I intend with opening up myself about my life is to give a few suffering people our there HOPE!! Perhaps the corollary to all of this is a new better way to live. The Big Book talks about in great detail. If you were like me, I had better living thru chemistry for over 1/2 of my life. At some point you, if you are/were like me, need to try it! Is it easy?? HELL NO!! One point that I would like to make is that when I was out drugging, I had some "good times" but were they real and was I living on life's terms? NO! I was living on my terms that every once and a while came into accordance with "normal" life. I did not like living life on its own terms. It was and still is a hard lesson to learn. I still try to "buck the system" but life will push back. I know better now than to try to live any other way by trying to implement some of what I have talked about in the last several Recovery Posts. Were not done with the 12 Steps or my series, we still have a long journey to traverse.

Living life in its terms for me is a journey. I would say that I have had some really crappy days in doing that. But I would also say that in this time, some of my worst days in sobriety have no been as bad as my "best" days of living polluted. Sometimes, I relive those days, remember the sensations and experiences. Some were scary that involved very bad places where I could have been killed. So I can say that in sobriety, I have not had to go there again. So even if my day has gone all to hell, I can say that I will not be in that bad spot again. I mean don’t get me wrong, some of my polluted days were times that some people dream about but would never do!

I lived very hard in that 1/2 life and I think that if I had to do it over and was given a second chance, I really can’t say that I would have done it differently. The reason why is all of those experiences make me who I am today. A person is the sum of his experiences and if I had not lived like that and gone thru some of that stuff, then I could not sit here and try to give some suffering people reading this little page a glimmer of hope. I do not know if anyone reading this get anything out of it, but I can hope.

During my "Spiritual Awakening" that I had in LAHA, I was told some very powerful things. It happened with my counselor and me during a one on one secession. I will not go in to all the specifics, but one I will say is that I was told that I will reach and help people that only I can talk to. An addendum to this is one day in church, many months after this, I was told the same things, that I will/am supposed to help people that only I can reach. It scared the hell out of me that day and I shook for several hours after that event, but I had a different understand of life after that fact. We all have something to contribute to the greater scheme of things; we just need to find it. It is by The Grace Of God that I did not end up in jail or Dead, I truly and whole heartedly believe that because there were many situations where that could have happened.

So I just felt like giving more information to you my readers. Please do not think that I have the answers as I am still finding them out my self. Life is a journey and not a destination, we are here but a small time compared to the grand scheme of things. I was given a second chance by God, by my wonderful wife Sondra with her, none of this would have been possible. I love her dearly and I still screw up royally, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness and try to live better…

********************** How Do You Feel... Let Me know...

Part 4...Steps 4-7 4/28/07

It would be hard to write about just one of these Steps, so i put Step 4-7 in this part as they are all together.

Step 4 - Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves.
DO what? A searching and FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY?? Ok this is going to suck I said. During this step we have to look at ourselves and that is not fun at all. We have to look at all the things that we have done bad and things that we had done to hurt other people and also things that other people had done to us that we did not like or had resentment over. Because, as they say, An addict having a resentment is like tacking poison and wanting the other person to die. To people like us, resentments are not a good thing. They lead to fear, anger and then an excuse to go out and use again.

Take for instance, one might say me and the girlfriend had a fight, I am going to go out and get messed up to show her!! No your not!! That is just an excuse. In this step, you have to look at your part in the events. You might say that I am resentful at _______ because they did this to me. But what was your part in that event. Did or have you treated them like you should have? And how does this affect you? In your relationship with that person? Does it hurt your Pride? Make you Fearful? Does it hurt your Self-Esteem? All of these questions will have to be answered during this step.

My 4ht step was about 2-3 pages front and back on a legal size pad. It was very emotional time writing this because me and my sponsor had to do this. It is part of the healing process. See the problem is that if you don't be truthful on this, sleeping Demons will come back to get you at a later date. If you have done something that you think is so shameful and that you don't want anyone to know about it; get it out!! For the most part they have done the exact same thing or even worse! Not being truthful in this step can be setting yourself up for some hard times and even perhaps a relapse…

In doing this we had to learn a new way to deal with ANGE and FEAR! Most of my troubles came from me. I tried to control everything and everyone and when things did not go my way, I pitched a fit! I was the director and they were my puppets only that was not the case. I that it was, but it was not and I had to place my Fears on a list as well to go over with a fine toothed comb. See, we are fearful of things that we can’t control. I became fearful of doing drugs, even though that is what I knew I had to do to get to feeling better (Spiritual Malady) but the guilt was a killer as well after the fact!

This step is also a very personal one that you, me, I, have to do alone. My sponsor helped me, but I had to do it and take a long, hard look at what made me tick and I did not like what I found. I will not go into some of the things that I did, but suffice to say, they were not pretty. This is a most important step because in doing this, you clean your steps and try to get a grasp of what the hell you have done in your life. The next Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. You have to open up and tell someone else like your sponsor, a minister, a total stranger, just what you have done in your life and how you have wronged people and your part as well as what people have done to you and what your part was in that as well.

I cried my eyes out during this because of a lifetime of hate, anger, resentment, wrongs to me and from me came out!! It was very painful but very healing at the same time…

The paper that you made during Step 4 is a guide during Step 5. I used it to help me remember the things that I had written down, but also new things emerged from my subconscious, stuff that I had so tucked away that I had forgotten about came out and when it was all over after a good cry, I felt better than I had in many years. Getting out the quilt and remorse, resentments, fears was very liberating.

Next step is Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. After Step 5, I was totally ready to get all that crap out and give it up to God to take away from me. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.”

Just knowing this and using this well help you in everyday life. Because, remember that you cannot control everything that is and will happen to you.

I had to do Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. This was the last part in from the last several Steps. It is also a necessary Step to be taken in this cleansing process. Another good prayer I forgot was in the 3rd step. It is as follows:

God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

So you see, the Step 4-7 is basically a continuous step and they all need to be done in secession. One cannot be done with out the other. Next time, we will move to Step 8.

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Step 3, Its is a very hard one: My story Part 3 4/15/07

Part 3…

So where was I? I had to believe in a power that was bigger than my self. Ok, I decided to believe that God was my power and that he could help me and heal me. It took faith. That was the hard part because that lead to Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and out lives over to the care God as WE understood him. This also took a leap of faith. I mean, we had to believe that someone, not us, could help us and then we had to turn our Will over to him. That would mean that we were not in control anymore. That was very scary!! Much of the addicted person’s attitude stems from FEAR!

This sounded like what we should have been doing all of our lives. But it was the other way around. I did not do what God wanted; I did what I wanted to do. I was afraid to succeed in life and I was content with where I was at. Like my old Sponsor says, It is a “Self Will Run Riot” I did what I wanted to do with no regard to who I hurt in the process and to how many times I did it to them. SO in order to be able to do this, I had to shut the little voice down inside of me and try to pray and listen to what someone else, God, wanted me to do. This was and is still very hard to do.

So a prayer would be like if it is Your will, let it be done, not what I want but what you want for me because everything I wanted got me to rehab and miserable. I was trying to control everything around me and I could not control anything. I was totally powerless and no matter how hard I tried to be in control, I was not. So I had to let someone else be in control. But Free Will is a Bitch and I can and do take back control of my life. It is a constant struggle with this step. I want things my way NOW! Most addicts are very self centered individuals and want instant gratification, drugs do that…

I had to remember that I was going to try a different way and let someone else take care of me. The faith thing comes in here. I have to believe that God had a plane for me and that things will unfold as they should. That whenever I take control back, that plane gets messed up.

This step is very hard to put down on paper. It is a very faith based step and it is not a hard fact concept, it is very ethereal. Because you have to believe in a higher power and also that he/she/it is concerned for your well being. I said He/She/It because remember, the “Higher Power” aspect is as you understand, not what I think it should be. This is a key aspect to this whole “recovery” program. If you can’t say God, it can be tree, doorknob, floor mat, ANTYHING, as long as you believe.

SO I guess that in this portion of the program, God was taking care of me at LAHA. By 2.5 weeks, my cravings were gone, I guess because I had a grain of faith and I wanted to get my life better. I saw some pitiful sights that and also some true miracles being preformed. We learned that every day was a miracle because we were not dead or in jail and that we were or at least had the opportunity to “recover” At LAHA, you could feel the energy, and it is a very spiritual place. There was lots of healing that occurred. There were lots of other places that I could have gone; I am eternally grateful that was able to go there and to get my life in order. I would have been dead or in jail at the rate I was going…

This always reminds me of a poem by Max Ehrmann titled “Desiderata”
Here it is:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrenderbe on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,

however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

This poem is a good set of principals to live by, very spiritual based as well. When you let some one else take control, wonderful things start to occur. You will and have started the process to “recover” But there are many other steps that need to happen and even if you “recover” they should be practiced in you life. I am sorry that I can’t put down more thoughts on this, but we will go to Step 4 – Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves. This one is a doosey!!! Very hard and very emotional, you get to the core of your bull that you have carried and spewed for all those years. You will have to look at yourself and be very critical and analyze your very core. It sounds daunting and it was and is… SO more on this at another time.

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A friend of Bill W’s…Part 2 4/1/07

Here is part 2 of my story...
It is difficule to tell this story because I go back and forth to Illustrate how things and issues fit together, so bare with me.

Well, I had admitted that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable. That much was apparent. I was at that stage in my addiction, going on binges and staying gone for several days and cleaning out my bank account. So, I went to Rehab.

While I was in LAHA, we went to meetings and group secessions. Chris Raymer in his morning “Town Hall” meeting drove the point home to us that this is a 3-fold disease: Mind, Body,Spirit. You have to treat all 3 parts or it will fail. See, about 10% of the population are genetically different than the rest of society in that we process “mind altering” substances different. If a “normal” person drinks/drugs, they may like it and abuse it, but given sufficient reason to STOP, they can. Take for instance, a normie gets a DWI and looses his license. That would/should be reason enough for ANYONE to stop. For an addict, it will be, but only for a time period, days, weeks, etc. This disease makes him/her forget about the consequences that have just happened and he/she will go out and do it again. Addicts will try to blame everything on “External” reasons for their problems. I got in a fight with my g/f, I had a crappy day at work, those were all external reasons. The problem was with us, an internal problem.

I liked to drink and drug. It was fun in the beginning. I could handle it. I needed it to feel normal or what I thought was normal. I, in the beginning, did not know what cravings were, but I did no when it was time to get “fixed up” and feel on an even keel so to speak. I knew this as early as 1990, my second years of college. I partied a long time and I was able to control it. I was a very functional addict through those times. I was a Coke/Crack addict from 1993-2001. That is a very long time. In that time, I saw people spend entire fortunes, loose houses, cars and wives. It was total carnage and I was going through the middle of it.

See, I could not remember that my girlfriend at that time, now my wife, told me if I go out again, she would leave me. My disease told me to go get high, but only enough to satisfy the cravings that I was having. That final spree was horrible. I was going to fill out applications at a place in Austin, but the cravings were just too strong for me to deal with. I had to get my soul quiet and fill the void that was devouring me a little at a time. So I did…but I only planned to do a little, but that turned to about 3 days

I drove around Austin Texas getting high and was on a psychotic episode. I saw my family in every car that was on the road, or at least a member of my family. They would look at me and be sad or mad depending on what I was doing at that moment. I heard police sirens the whole time I was out and I thought that every other car was a cop. I got a speeding ticket during that time and you know what I did to calm my nerves? I went and bought more crack. WOW, how insane is that? It is only by the Grace of God that I did not go to jail or die from an overdose. As you can see, I was not in control of my life in the least bit, my addiction was in FULL SWING and I had hit “Rock Bottom” I knew that I needed help and that I could not make it on my own anymore.

While I was in LAHA, we worked on steps, but hammered on Step 1 & 2. Step one along with the drugs got me there, then I had to work on Step 2. I had to believe that a Power Greater than my self could restore me to sanity. This would seem to be an easy task; to believe in something bigger than my self and ego. Well Try it...

in·sane -/in seyn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-seyn]
–adjective
1. not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged.
2. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is mentally deranged: insane actions; an insane asylum.
3. utterly senseless: an insane plan.

Let’s look at this word. Insane. Another definition is and it applies to addicts is “doing the same thing and expecting different outcome” See every time I went out to drug it up, I expected a different outcome!! I was insane!! IT is like hitting your hand with a hammer repeatedly and not expecting it to hurt the next time. The “power” could have been a tree if you did not believe in God, Jesus or something like that, it did not matter! The only thing was to believe in something more powerful than yourself. Because under your power, your best foot forward; Your power got you to rehab!! My power got me nowhere except broke, tired and addicted. Thank God I got to rehab…to get some help where all else had failed, all of my best intentions and promises failed.

SO, I believed that “power” greater than myself could and would restore me to a better way of think. It was apparent that my thinking was off, so I had to try it by learning a better way or a different way. This was the essence of Step 2 which i will get into more soon.

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