The last 5-6 posts about Recovery and AA or from my own personal experiences. I wrote the series way back in 2007 while i was on Night Shift at Qimonda Semiconductor fab in Sandston Virginia.
I felt a need to put my self out there and if it helped just one person, then it was worth it to me...
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Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Trading Drugs? 3/4/08
This just pisses me off to know ends. On May 5, 2008; i will be 5 years clean and sober and no, i repeat no PILL helped me stop! I was in rehab for 28 days straight and worked a good program for many years afterward to stop. I did not and do not take a pill to stay off drugs and alcohol. No one paid me to stop, i did it on my own.
My compensation for doing so is a clean, sober life. I do not have to get up and take my "no drugs" pill to stave off the cravings and insanity. But let me digress, without a spiritual awakening and the power of God; it would not have happened and or continue to happen. That is not to say i have to live my life "one day at a time;" i make future plans and i try to be the best person i can be and lead a clean healthy life.
So, i guess my point is, they might come up with a pill to make you not want to use anymore but who wants to be bound with a pill to stop taking drugs? SO you put down the crack pipe for a pill to stop; get the picture? If you want to get sober and clean it can be done. Ask for help and get into a 12-Step program that best suits you habit. AA, CA, NA, they are all good if worked correctly and with divine guidance and prayer they will and can work everyday. You can try the "pill" but you will only trade one substance for another, it might not be as bad; it might cost the same or more; you might fill the craving void, but it is not the correct way...
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Another Recovery Memory... 6/15/07
We decided to meet on the next after at a local cafe to discuss The 12 Steps and how I was going to go threw them with him. He gave me his number and told me that if I needed to talk or call him in a weak moment for me to do so no matter what time it was. That is what a sponsor is supposed to do for your information.
I thought that I was doing well and he and I proceeded to work me through the first 3 steps and we would meet regularly at his house or at the cafe. Then came that dreadful day after I had 3 months of sobriety that I had the dreaded "R" word...Relapse! For you see, that can happen if you do not totally put you whole body into the program of recovery. It happened because I still thought that I could drink and get away with it. I could not. For I thought that even though I new alcohol was not my problem, I could still drink like I was ok. For just placing one altering chemical into my body restarted the mental, physical craving that happened to me when I would ingest and use cocaine. Even though alcohol is legal, it is still a drug, plain and simple.
So if you are out there in Recovery land, do not delude yourself by think that you can drink but no do drugs. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
Also so as to not piss anyone off about the anonymity issue, I called him to ask if I could use his name in this blog post. He was most grateful to let me do it...
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Part 6 - Step 11 of my Recovery... 5/27/07
This is a very key step in the action part. We all get so busy in your daily lives that we forget to pray about what is going on and if that is what is needed to be what is going on with us. I guess what I am trying to say is that what we are doing; is that what God wants us to be doing. You can get into the whole preordained life or random life thing here-DONT!
In order for this to work, you have to ask God what he needs/wants us to do. I have a problem doing this like most addicts because I want what I want to go on and not what He wants me to do. I try to take back the control in my life and when I do that it most of the time messes up or backfires on me. This is very hard for me to do, but when I do this, it is amazing! When I get out of self and I help other people like I am supposed to it helps me. That is a simple concept, helping you helps me and that is how God wants it. Trying to stay in conscious contact with God is the hard part. We get so busy in our daily grind that we forget to ask is this what I am supposed to do and is it even what you need me to do?
If we just quiet our little voice that we all have and try to listen to God in a meditative moment, we will get the answer. It might not be what we want to hear and often times it is not, but it is what we are supposed to do if you follow the Step to the exact letter. In the Big Book, it says that "Half Steps availed us nothing" which means that we have to do it all or not. DO not halfass make an attempt because it will not work. I try to pray about big things and ask that His will be done; I need to do this in all situations, but I fall short.
If we pray for His power and knowledge to help us in our lives, we are doing Step 11 to the fullest. Do not think that it can be done all the time and completely from the beginning, Rome was not built in a day and it took time for you to get this way. SO try to do as is requested but don’t be too hard on yourself if you do not get it right and you don’t get the answers that you were looking for. They will come when your will come inline with God's Will...
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Step 8 and 9 and 10...Part 5 in the series. 5/9/07
Well, here it comes. I had to make a list of all the people that I had harmed and had to make nice with them. You mean to tell me that I have to go and apologize to them?? Yes I do and I did. This was a hard step to do as well. I had to humble myself to another person and admit that I was wrong and sorry for what I had done. But wait What if I was not willing to go and talk to them or to tell them I was sorry? What if they had moved on and lost touch? What if they were dead? What if they were alive and they did not know that I did something to harm them? That is where Step 9 comes in; Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 8 was part of it, but Step 9 was an action step. So say that you were dating a person and you cheated on them but they did not know about it. According to Step 8, you need to make amends to them. Step 9 says to do it, but not to harm or injure them. So would telling your girlfriend that you cheated harm her? Yes it would. So this is where a “Living Amends” comes in. The amends process in this instance was for you to not do the action anymore, to not cheat on her and thus, you make amends for the offending action.If someone had moved on or died, it would be impossible to talk to them, so you can write a letter, read it, and then destroy it. You have to make every possible means to contact that person, but this is a way of doing it.
One person that I held resentment to was a very close friend. I went to talk to this person and their reaction was very indifferent to me. Some people will not want to talk to you about what you did or they did, but you will have made the effort and that is the main objective. Some people will be glad that you wanted to talk to them and will be very receptive about the issue. But the main thing is that you will have made the effort on your part. Remember you can’t control other people’s actions, only your own with the help of God.
This process does not have a time limit set for it. It can take some time to complete, but it needs to be done to get all the mess that you have created in your life cleaned out. You have heard of Spring Cleaning? Just think of this like that. You are getting out all of the old BS that has built up over a period of time that has been eating at your soul. When you get some of this off your chest, you will feel so much better, I sure did.
After having done this step, you will move on to Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. You will have to become a more analytical person about your actions and become aware of how you interact with other people. If you come across like an asshole to a person, look at why that happened and then go to them and apologize for that act. I had to the other night at work. I offended a lady and she made mention to a coworker about it. I had to suck it up and go and talk to her and make amends or apologize for it. She was like thank you. So, it works.
I am going to stop here. I am not ready to discuss the next step with you as it is a very hard one to do and these last 2 steps are a mouthful to comprehend and work on. God Bless and have a wonderful evening or day depending where you live…
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A New Better Way...another insight into me. 4/29/07
-A proposition that follows with little or no proof required from one already proven.
-A deduction or an inference.
-A natural consequence or effect; a result.
adj.
Consequent; resultant.
[Middle English corolarie, from Latin corōllārium,
money paid for a garland, gratuity, from corōlla, small garland. See corolla.]
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Perhaps what I intend with opening up myself about my life is to give a few suffering people our there HOPE!! Perhaps the corollary to all of this is a new better way to live. The Big Book talks about in great detail. If you were like me, I had better living thru chemistry for over 1/2 of my life. At some point you, if you are/were like me, need to try it! Is it easy?? HELL NO!! One point that I would like to make is that when I was out drugging, I had some "good times" but were they real and was I living on life's terms? NO! I was living on my terms that every once and a while came into accordance with "normal" life. I did not like living life on its own terms. It was and still is a hard lesson to learn. I still try to "buck the system" but life will push back. I know better now than to try to live any other way by trying to implement some of what I have talked about in the last several Recovery Posts. Were not done with the 12 Steps or my series, we still have a long journey to traverse.
Living life in its terms for me is a journey. I would say that I have had some really crappy days in doing that. But I would also say that in this time, some of my worst days in sobriety have no been as bad as my "best" days of living polluted. Sometimes, I relive those days, remember the sensations and experiences. Some were scary that involved very bad places where I could have been killed. So I can say that in sobriety, I have not had to go there again. So even if my day has gone all to hell, I can say that I will not be in that bad spot again. I mean don’t get me wrong, some of my polluted days were times that some people dream about but would never do!
I lived very hard in that 1/2 life and I think that if I had to do it over and was given a second chance, I really can’t say that I would have done it differently. The reason why is all of those experiences make me who I am today. A person is the sum of his experiences and if I had not lived like that and gone thru some of that stuff, then I could not sit here and try to give some suffering people reading this little page a glimmer of hope. I do not know if anyone reading this get anything out of it, but I can hope.
During my "Spiritual Awakening" that I had in LAHA, I was told some very powerful things. It happened with my counselor and me during a one on one secession. I will not go in to all the specifics, but one I will say is that I was told that I will reach and help people that only I can talk to. An addendum to this is one day in church, many months after this, I was told the same things, that I will/am supposed to help people that only I can reach. It scared the hell out of me that day and I shook for several hours after that event, but I had a different understand of life after that fact. We all have something to contribute to the greater scheme of things; we just need to find it. It is by The Grace Of God that I did not end up in jail or Dead, I truly and whole heartedly believe that because there were many situations where that could have happened.
So I just felt like giving more information to you my readers. Please do not think that I have the answers as I am still finding them out my self. Life is a journey and not a destination, we are here but a small time compared to the grand scheme of things. I was given a second chance by God, by my wonderful wife Sondra with her, none of this would have been possible. I love her dearly and I still screw up royally, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness and try to live better…
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Part 4...Steps 4-7 4/28/07
Step 4 - Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves.
DO what? A searching and FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY?? Ok this is going to suck I said. During this step we have to look at ourselves and that is not fun at all. We have to look at all the things that we have done bad and things that we had done to hurt other people and also things that other people had done to us that we did not like or had resentment over. Because, as they say, An addict having a resentment is like tacking poison and wanting the other person to die. To people like us, resentments are not a good thing. They lead to fear, anger and then an excuse to go out and use again.
Take for instance, one might say me and the girlfriend had a fight, I am going to go out and get messed up to show her!! No your not!! That is just an excuse. In this step, you have to look at your part in the events. You might say that I am resentful at _______ because they did this to me. But what was your part in that event. Did or have you treated them like you should have? And how does this affect you? In your relationship with that person? Does it hurt your Pride? Make you Fearful? Does it hurt your Self-Esteem? All of these questions will have to be answered during this step.
My 4ht step was about 2-3 pages front and back on a legal size pad. It was very emotional time writing this because me and my sponsor had to do this. It is part of the healing process. See the problem is that if you don't be truthful on this, sleeping Demons will come back to get you at a later date. If you have done something that you think is so shameful and that you don't want anyone to know about it; get it out!! For the most part they have done the exact same thing or even worse! Not being truthful in this step can be setting yourself up for some hard times and even perhaps a relapse…
In doing this we had to learn a new way to deal with ANGE and FEAR! Most of my troubles came from me. I tried to control everything and everyone and when things did not go my way, I pitched a fit! I was the director and they were my puppets only that was not the case. I that it was, but it was not and I had to place my Fears on a list as well to go over with a fine toothed comb. See, we are fearful of things that we can’t control. I became fearful of doing drugs, even though that is what I knew I had to do to get to feeling better (Spiritual Malady) but the guilt was a killer as well after the fact!
This step is also a very personal one that you, me, I, have to do alone. My sponsor helped me, but I had to do it and take a long, hard look at what made me tick and I did not like what I found. I will not go into some of the things that I did, but suffice to say, they were not pretty. This is a most important step because in doing this, you clean your steps and try to get a grasp of what the hell you have done in your life. The next Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. You have to open up and tell someone else like your sponsor, a minister, a total stranger, just what you have done in your life and how you have wronged people and your part as well as what people have done to you and what your part was in that as well.
I cried my eyes out during this because of a lifetime of hate, anger, resentment, wrongs to me and from me came out!! It was very painful but very healing at the same time…
The paper that you made during Step 4 is a guide during Step 5. I used it to help me remember the things that I had written down, but also new things emerged from my subconscious, stuff that I had so tucked away that I had forgotten about came out and when it was all over after a good cry, I felt better than I had in many years. Getting out the quilt and remorse, resentments, fears was very liberating.
Next step is Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. After Step 5, I was totally ready to get all that crap out and give it up to God to take away from me. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.”
Just knowing this and using this well help you in everyday life. Because, remember that you cannot control everything that is and will happen to you.
I had to do Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. This was the last part in from the last several Steps. It is also a necessary Step to be taken in this cleansing process. Another good prayer I forgot was in the 3rd step. It is as follows:
God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63
So you see, the Step 4-7 is basically a continuous step and they all need to be done in secession. One cannot be done with out the other. Next time, we will move to Step 8.
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Step 3, Its is a very hard one: My story Part 3 4/15/07
Part 3…
So where was I? I had to believe in a power that was bigger than my self. Ok, I decided to believe that God was my power and that he could help me and heal me. It took faith. That was the hard part because that lead to Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and out lives over to the care God as WE understood him. This also took a leap of faith. I mean, we had to believe that someone, not us, could help us and then we had to turn our Will over to him. That would mean that we were not in control anymore. That was very scary!! Much of the addicted person’s attitude stems from FEAR!
This sounded like what we should have been doing all of our lives. But it was the other way around. I did not do what God wanted; I did what I wanted to do. I was afraid to succeed in life and I was content with where I was at. Like my old Sponsor says, It is a “Self Will Run Riot” I did what I wanted to do with no regard to who I hurt in the process and to how many times I did it to them. SO in order to be able to do this, I had to shut the little voice down inside of me and try to pray and listen to what someone else, God, wanted me to do. This was and is still very hard to do.
So a prayer would be like if it is Your will, let it be done, not what I want but what you want for me because everything I wanted got me to rehab and miserable. I was trying to control everything around me and I could not control anything. I was totally powerless and no matter how hard I tried to be in control, I was not. So I had to let someone else be in control. But Free Will is a Bitch and I can and do take back control of my life. It is a constant struggle with this step. I want things my way NOW! Most addicts are very self centered individuals and want instant gratification, drugs do that…
I had to remember that I was going to try a different way and let someone else take care of me. The faith thing comes in here. I have to believe that God had a plane for me and that things will unfold as they should. That whenever I take control back, that plane gets messed up.
This step is very hard to put down on paper. It is a very faith based step and it is not a hard fact concept, it is very ethereal. Because you have to believe in a higher power and also that he/she/it is concerned for your well being. I said He/She/It because remember, the “Higher Power” aspect is as you understand, not what I think it should be. This is a key aspect to this whole “recovery” program. If you can’t say God, it can be tree, doorknob, floor mat, ANTYHING, as long as you believe.
SO I guess that in this portion of the program, God was taking care of me at LAHA. By 2.5 weeks, my cravings were gone, I guess because I had a grain of faith and I wanted to get my life better. I saw some pitiful sights that and also some true miracles being preformed. We learned that every day was a miracle because we were not dead or in jail and that we were or at least had the opportunity to “recover” At LAHA, you could feel the energy, and it is a very spiritual place. There was lots of healing that occurred. There were lots of other places that I could have gone; I am eternally grateful that was able to go there and to get my life in order. I would have been dead or in jail at the rate I was going…
So where was I? I had to believe in a power that was bigger than my self. Ok, I decided to believe that God was my power and that he could help me and heal me. It took faith. That was the hard part because that lead to Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and out lives over to the care God as WE understood him. This also took a leap of faith. I mean, we had to believe that someone, not us, could help us and then we had to turn our Will over to him. That would mean that we were not in control anymore. That was very scary!! Much of the addicted person’s attitude stems from FEAR!
This sounded like what we should have been doing all of our lives. But it was the other way around. I did not do what God wanted; I did what I wanted to do. I was afraid to succeed in life and I was content with where I was at. Like my old Sponsor says, It is a “Self Will Run Riot” I did what I wanted to do with no regard to who I hurt in the process and to how many times I did it to them. SO in order to be able to do this, I had to shut the little voice down inside of me and try to pray and listen to what someone else, God, wanted me to do. This was and is still very hard to do.
So a prayer would be like if it is Your will, let it be done, not what I want but what you want for me because everything I wanted got me to rehab and miserable. I was trying to control everything around me and I could not control anything. I was totally powerless and no matter how hard I tried to be in control, I was not. So I had to let someone else be in control. But Free Will is a Bitch and I can and do take back control of my life. It is a constant struggle with this step. I want things my way NOW! Most addicts are very self centered individuals and want instant gratification, drugs do that…
I had to remember that I was going to try a different way and let someone else take care of me. The faith thing comes in here. I have to believe that God had a plane for me and that things will unfold as they should. That whenever I take control back, that plane gets messed up.
This step is very hard to put down on paper. It is a very faith based step and it is not a hard fact concept, it is very ethereal. Because you have to believe in a higher power and also that he/she/it is concerned for your well being. I said He/She/It because remember, the “Higher Power” aspect is as you understand, not what I think it should be. This is a key aspect to this whole “recovery” program. If you can’t say God, it can be tree, doorknob, floor mat, ANTYHING, as long as you believe.
SO I guess that in this portion of the program, God was taking care of me at LAHA. By 2.5 weeks, my cravings were gone, I guess because I had a grain of faith and I wanted to get my life better. I saw some pitiful sights that and also some true miracles being preformed. We learned that every day was a miracle because we were not dead or in jail and that we were or at least had the opportunity to “recover” At LAHA, you could feel the energy, and it is a very spiritual place. There was lots of healing that occurred. There were lots of other places that I could have gone; I am eternally grateful that was able to go there and to get my life in order. I would have been dead or in jail at the rate I was going…
This always reminds me of a poem by Max Ehrmann titled “Desiderata”
Here it is:
Here it is:
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrenderbe on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
This poem is a good set of principals to live by, very spiritual based as well. When you let some one else take control, wonderful things start to occur. You will and have started the process to “recover” But there are many other steps that need to happen and even if you “recover” they should be practiced in you life. I am sorry that I can’t put down more thoughts on this, but we will go to Step 4 – Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves. This one is a doosey!!! Very hard and very emotional, you get to the core of your bull that you have carried and spewed for all those years. You will have to look at yourself and be very critical and analyze your very core. It sounds daunting and it was and is… SO more on this at another time.
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A friend of Bill W’s…Part 2 4/1/07
It is difficule to tell this story because I go back and forth to Illustrate how things and issues fit together, so bare with me.
Well, I had admitted that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable. That much was apparent. I was at that stage in my addiction, going on binges and staying gone for several days and cleaning out my bank account. So, I went to Rehab.
While I was in LAHA, we went to meetings and group secessions. Chris Raymer in his morning “Town Hall” meeting drove the point home to us that this is a 3-fold disease: Mind, Body,Spirit. You have to treat all 3 parts or it will fail. See, about 10% of the population are genetically different than the rest of society in that we process “mind altering” substances different. If a “normal” person drinks/drugs, they may like it and abuse it, but given sufficient reason to STOP, they can. Take for instance, a normie gets a DWI and looses his license. That would/should be reason enough for ANYONE to stop. For an addict, it will be, but only for a time period, days, weeks, etc. This disease makes him/her forget about the consequences that have just happened and he/she will go out and do it again. Addicts will try to blame everything on “External” reasons for their problems. I got in a fight with my g/f, I had a crappy day at work, those were all external reasons. The problem was with us, an internal problem.
I liked to drink and drug. It was fun in the beginning. I could handle it. I needed it to feel normal or what I thought was normal. I, in the beginning, did not know what cravings were, but I did no when it was time to get “fixed up” and feel on an even keel so to speak. I knew this as early as 1990, my second years of college. I partied a long time and I was able to control it. I was a very functional addict through those times. I was a Coke/Crack addict from 1993-2001. That is a very long time. In that time, I saw people spend entire fortunes, loose houses, cars and wives. It was total carnage and I was going through the middle of it.
See, I could not remember that my girlfriend at that time, now my wife, told me if I go out again, she would leave me. My disease told me to go get high, but only enough to satisfy the cravings that I was having. That final spree was horrible. I was going to fill out applications at a place in Austin, but the cravings were just too strong for me to deal with. I had to get my soul quiet and fill the void that was devouring me a little at a time. So I did…but I only planned to do a little, but that turned to about 3 days
I drove around Austin Texas getting high and was on a psychotic episode. I saw my family in every car that was on the road, or at least a member of my family. They would look at me and be sad or mad depending on what I was doing at that moment. I heard police sirens the whole time I was out and I thought that every other car was a cop. I got a speeding ticket during that time and you know what I did to calm my nerves? I went and bought more crack. WOW, how insane is that? It is only by the Grace of God that I did not go to jail or die from an overdose. As you can see, I was not in control of my life in the least bit, my addiction was in FULL SWING and I had hit “Rock Bottom” I knew that I needed help and that I could not make it on my own anymore.
While I was in LAHA, we worked on steps, but hammered on Step 1 & 2. Step one along with the drugs got me there, then I had to work on Step 2. I had to believe that a Power Greater than my self could restore me to sanity. This would seem to be an easy task; to believe in something bigger than my self and ego. Well Try it...
in·sane -/in seyn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-seyn]
–adjective
1. not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged.
2. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is mentally deranged: insane actions; an insane asylum.
3. utterly senseless: an insane plan.
Let’s look at this word. Insane. Another definition is and it applies to addicts is “doing the same thing and expecting different outcome” See every time I went out to drug it up, I expected a different outcome!! I was insane!! IT is like hitting your hand with a hammer repeatedly and not expecting it to hurt the next time. The “power” could have been a tree if you did not believe in God, Jesus or something like that, it did not matter! The only thing was to believe in something more powerful than yourself. Because under your power, your best foot forward; Your power got you to rehab!! My power got me nowhere except broke, tired and addicted. Thank God I got to rehab…to get some help where all else had failed, all of my best intentions and promises failed.
SO, I believed that “power” greater than myself could and would restore me to a better way of think. It was apparent that my thinking was off, so I had to try it by learning a better way or a different way. This was the essence of Step 2 which i will get into more soon.
********************** How Do You Feel... Let Me know...
A Friend Of Bill W’s…Part 1, My Journey Begins. 3/27/07
I am going to do a series of posts over the next weeks on Addiction and Recovery using the 12 Steps or Alcoholics Anonymous. There are many 12 Step programs that can be chosen. I am breaking my Anonymity by doing so, although, I have never hidden the fact from anyone if they asked me about it. If I have one wish for this series it is not to alienate someone from reading my BLOG, but to help an addict or alcoholic out there still suffering and let them know that there is help out there for them.
Many of you don't know, but May 15 will be my 4 year Sober mark. No drinking or drugging. I can’t say that it has been easy or that it has been fun because it has not. Living life on Life’s terms is a very hard thing to do. They say that your stunt your emotional self the first time that you took you first drink or drug. So, if you started when you were 16, then when you finally got sober, you were of the maturity of a 16 year old. If you were 30 when you got sober, then you will have a lot of maturing to do.
I went into treatment in the year 2002 during that summer to La Hacienda (LAHA) in Hunt Texas for 30 days in-house where I met Chris Raymer (Alumni Director LAHA). I will get into him later in this series. I also met some very interesting people, Lawyers, Doctors, Preachers, Housewives; the list can go on and on. It was a hard time of being separated from my house and personal belongings except for my MiniDisc player and CD player to have some comfort from. I went to group meetings, group therapy; We had a family week where my then girlfriend, Mother, and grandmother came to stay. If you did well, you got to go off campus to eat and go to outside meetings, if not, you stayed there. I saw many people fail or get kicked out. Why I was able to “do the deal” so to speak; I guess that it was in God’s plan for me to make it.
Every Sunday was a big meeting in the center where your family could come and visit and you saw people come back to get their chips for being sober for different time periods. 30 days, 60 days,90 days, 6 months, 1 year and so on. They also had different speakers and someone lead the meetings.
For you to “recover” you need to have a total psychic make over. This can happen by the “burning bush” type of the “educational” type. I had the burning bush type. That place gave me a set of tools that enabled me to be able to recover from a “hopeless state of mind and body.” I did not do it alone. My journey was a spiritual one also, because Addiction is a disease of the mind, body, and the spirit. I am not talking church or anything like that. Don't get the two confused, they are not the same. You can be spiritual and go to church, or go to church and never get the whole spiritual aspect of the deal. I tried the church way several years before that and it did not work for me.
For me to start the journey, I had to be totally beat down from the disease! I could not do it on my own, that was evident! Church did not do it and going to meetings but not buying whole heartedly into the program did not work either. I had to do it all or none! No "Half Steps".Finally Step One of the Big Book was easy for me to admit. “We admitted that we were powerless over drugs/alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable” It took a while living as a functional addict to finally admit that. When I did, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my way to recovery could begin. I learned that I did not have power over anything! Whatever power that I had, it had been given to me from God!
Don't get overly stressed with the God thing, I will explain this later. Just remember that for a person to “recover”, they have to treat the whole illness; The Mind, The Body, The Spirit. I also will use and interchange Alcohol and Drugs for one in the same during this series because they are the same. It is a disease the is progressive and terminal whose outcomes are Death or Institutions (Mental/Jail).
Many of you don't know, but May 15 will be my 4 year Sober mark. No drinking or drugging. I can’t say that it has been easy or that it has been fun because it has not. Living life on Life’s terms is a very hard thing to do. They say that your stunt your emotional self the first time that you took you first drink or drug. So, if you started when you were 16, then when you finally got sober, you were of the maturity of a 16 year old. If you were 30 when you got sober, then you will have a lot of maturing to do.
I went into treatment in the year 2002 during that summer to La Hacienda (LAHA) in Hunt Texas for 30 days in-house where I met Chris Raymer (Alumni Director LAHA). I will get into him later in this series. I also met some very interesting people, Lawyers, Doctors, Preachers, Housewives; the list can go on and on. It was a hard time of being separated from my house and personal belongings except for my MiniDisc player and CD player to have some comfort from. I went to group meetings, group therapy; We had a family week where my then girlfriend, Mother, and grandmother came to stay. If you did well, you got to go off campus to eat and go to outside meetings, if not, you stayed there. I saw many people fail or get kicked out. Why I was able to “do the deal” so to speak; I guess that it was in God’s plan for me to make it.
Every Sunday was a big meeting in the center where your family could come and visit and you saw people come back to get their chips for being sober for different time periods. 30 days, 60 days,90 days, 6 months, 1 year and so on. They also had different speakers and someone lead the meetings.
For you to “recover” you need to have a total psychic make over. This can happen by the “burning bush” type of the “educational” type. I had the burning bush type. That place gave me a set of tools that enabled me to be able to recover from a “hopeless state of mind and body.” I did not do it alone. My journey was a spiritual one also, because Addiction is a disease of the mind, body, and the spirit. I am not talking church or anything like that. Don't get the two confused, they are not the same. You can be spiritual and go to church, or go to church and never get the whole spiritual aspect of the deal. I tried the church way several years before that and it did not work for me.
For me to start the journey, I had to be totally beat down from the disease! I could not do it on my own, that was evident! Church did not do it and going to meetings but not buying whole heartedly into the program did not work either. I had to do it all or none! No "Half Steps".Finally Step One of the Big Book was easy for me to admit. “We admitted that we were powerless over drugs/alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable” It took a while living as a functional addict to finally admit that. When I did, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my way to recovery could begin. I learned that I did not have power over anything! Whatever power that I had, it had been given to me from God!
Don't get overly stressed with the God thing, I will explain this later. Just remember that for a person to “recover”, they have to treat the whole illness; The Mind, The Body, The Spirit. I also will use and interchange Alcohol and Drugs for one in the same during this series because they are the same. It is a disease the is progressive and terminal whose outcomes are Death or Institutions (Mental/Jail).
I am going to close this part for now…Rest assured, more will come. Part 2 Next week.
********************** How Do You Feel... Let Me know...
Idyllic realities:::A Work in progress...
Writings for my coffee table book i will do in the future...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Perhaps for a time period the make incursions into this existence. Then they quickly retreat...When we are in them, it is a wonderful life but when they retreat it feels like your whole world is being torn apart. We try to be strong and make the right decision but whatever you do it is evil to somebody. WE grow, We live, We learn from these experiences and wait for the flow to the next incursion...
Idyllic realities:::While you are in a down-cycle of a non-incursion, life is straining and tiresome. One can become restless and irritable with his or her person and with others. They can become discontent with life and their surroundings. Things of pleasure can become mundane and non-enjoyable. Discontent runs rampant...
Idyllic realities:::Most go through their lives never knowing or understanding this cycle ever happens and most are the better for it. When our eyes are opened to the countless possibilities of different realities that exist and that have existed, one can and will yearn for more than is provided from main line reality...
Idyllic realities:::The cycle of Idyllic realities ebb and flow like the body’s natural circadian rhythm lasting for 24 hours. The endless cycles of Idyllic reality can last for many years or as short as a day. Some experience them for years of bliss and some lives never get to experience them at all. They go through life in hellish ways never know the luxury or the feeling of an Idyllic reality flow...
Idyllic realities:::While we are in a flux state of a non-incursion, we cannot control the length of this event. We can, however, take proactive steps to make ourselves susceptible to the event of the next Idyllic reality incursion and cycle. This is not to say we can control it as no one is in control of the ebb and flow it is only that we can be ready and on the event horizon of a new beginning cycle...
Idyllic realities:::For some, those fortunate few, that live their whole lives in an Idyllic Reality, it is like falling in love with your grade school sweetheart and marrying her, then living your whole life together in the home town. Any disruption in this flow would disrupt this reality. I for one, cannot say, if this is an Idyllic reality or not, for i have never had this. I have never been in this type of situation. I have never been that content. I have always yearned for more; some existential force to guide me to the "promise land" where i could be happy and have the live i so wanted or thought i needed. I digress...
Idyllic realities:::If you are in a cycle of an Idyllic reality, an major or sudden change can disrupt the flow of the cycle to such a magnitude that it can recede back into a point of nonexistence. Such major events can be a move, a divorce, a death or any other such life shattering event; it can and will upset the balance of the flow and make it retreat, perhaps for a long time or perhaps, if you are a lucky individual, just a short time but while waiting, it can make your life a jumbled mess...
Idyllic realities:::A move, let’s talk about this instance. When you are in an up cycle and all is well, life is good for the most part. If a move is in the future for the individual things become in turmoil. Jobs for one or the other, friends from both, church and school become a distant memory. Sometimes you will be lucky and see people from your other life and cycle or perhaps not lucky at all and loose total contact of friends never to hear from them again. While living in this new place and waiting for a new cycle to begin, it can become a stressful time as well for you are not in an Idyllic reality. Trying to find employment, church, friends, life, is a struggle between the parties involved. Much discontent is at home until such things can be set straight and life can become ready for the idea of the event horizon of a new Idyllic reality flow...
Idyllic realities:::It is funny, you know the feeling that it is going to be tomorrow and that will be the day? That is the feeling of being on the event horizon. When tomorrow comes and nothing is changed, you are still in the same place and spot in this existence not entering into a new flow; some get stuck in this position for a very long time. They say, "If i could just get a break" or i feel like i am in the right path" or even "i know something is going to go right" All of these instances are when the person is on the event horizon but they are not ready and the new flow has not started to mature. Being stuck on the event horizon is just as bad as being in a non-flow. Life can and will be just as hard as being in the midst of a total non-flow event and they will be in a flux state...
Idyllic realities:::Sometimes we can create a reality bubble that is very Idyllic such as taking a road trip with friends and listening to music and having great comrade during that time. During these short excursions, you can force an Idyllic reality flow to happen but only for the duration of the trip. When you return to the normal flow and life, you will be out of the Idyllic reality and the flow, sometimes to be stuck on the Event Horizon or in the beginning of another non-event. Sometimes the return to a non-event is a hard happening...
Idyllic realities:::Sometimes when you try to force an event to happen the downside of the event is not really worth all the mental and physical effort that was put into the forcing of the new flow. You can and will feel drained by the excretion of resources that were expended in the undertaking...
Idyllic realities:::While in a non-cycle of an incursion, life can be strenuous at best. Money and jobs can be at a low and the prospect of them can be far and few, possibly, not in the same town or state for that matter. Personal life can be a real issue as well. Being discontent with one's self makes one discontent with others as well. This gives little comfort to our significant other(s) while in this state. This can put a strain on relationships both romantic and non-romantic. It can appear as if nothing has or will go the right way for the person. It can seem that they are up against the whole world and nothing will go their way no matter how hard they try to make it. This is a hard time to be in when this situation is happening to an individual. It is much like a depression or being in a depressed state of being both mentally, financially, and physically...
Idyllic realities:::When a person is in a non-cycle of an event incursion, they; if they search and study themselves long enough, will see and find a discontinuity or relationships in their lives. I find this very apparent in my life. This can manifest itself in the form of art, literature, music, or some other sort of passion. One will find that their “Normal” activities, normal to them, are very different and have vastly different meanings to them then they have to others. It is almost like finding your muse, so to speak. Some of these differences become apparent when a person is on the event horizon of their next Idyllic reality flow. This can be a sign of a new Idyllic reality starting to take effect in a person's life. Epiphanies happen and major realizations are made during this warming up period...
Idyllic realities:::When the person is in the non-event but on the Event Horizon, things appear to go their way. Their outlook on life becomes much brighter and they build up a forward momentum. Their outlook becomes greater and they finally feel like they can put plans into place that they have been holding onto for some time. This all takes a great deal of energy and though for this to happen but it can all crumble don't in an instant if they fall from the even horizon back to the beginning on a non-event. The person(s) will feel as if their lat breath of air was just sucked out of their body and all they had hoped for had been taken away. All the planning was for not. They can feel helpless and paralyzed by what was will be and what could have been not ever happening. They can and will feel drained of both time and energy making all the preparations they they made waiting for the next Idyllic reality to happen. Now, sadly, they are in a rebuilding phase, trying to recoup what was lost, both time and energy, waiting and building...
Idyllic realities:::This is not to say that when a person is in a non-event things cannot go their way. Sometimes while a person is in a non-event, they have to think and look at a totally different direction to go in their professional and personal lives. When things do not go the way they were heading while they were on the event horizon. Many times we have all heard the old saying "if it didn't happen then it was not meant to be" and we get sick and tired of it. Perhaps, just perhaps, this is a true statement after all? When your ever move is blocked while trying to better yourself out of your geographical area and you find something (much) better in your local, then perhaps it is true. You might not be in an Idyllic reality but you might just be riding high on a swell, perhaps like a sine wave looks. You are not in a valley, you are not at an event horizon, you are not in an idyllic reality, you are on a peak in a non-flow event...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Perhaps when you are not in a Flow or on an Event Horizon, you are just in a low or valley. Perhaps you are pushed in a lateral direction into something that is not of your choosing but out of necessity to survive. Perhaps the Universe has a different plan or plane for you to be on, not to you immediate liking, but where you need to be in this space and time. It is a hard thing to understand and come to grips with. To borrow from "Desiderata" And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
It is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, it is hard to let go of control...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Even if we want them to happen with all our might, they do not happen, life happens to us and drags us back down. We feel lifeless and no direction. Things present themselves to us such as opportunities, people, places, from our past. We are in the doldrums of a non-event with no sight of a new flow happening in the foreseeable future. Events in our lives can transpire that might occupy our thoughts from the non-event, but i think that Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. They become a figment of out imagination, far from our reach. Perhaps at some point, one will happen when we least expect it to. Time will tell. I read a quote that states: "A Man Is Stagnate if His Dreams Equal His Reality" Such a true statement...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Much can happen when we start or try to start a new path to travel. Many ups and downs happen. Some, we like and some, we don't, but they happen and we have no control over them. I miss the hustle and bustle of a metro area...the life I once had...shattered realities calling my essence like an elder god from the past. Not really settled in my life where I am living. I hear distant echoes of lives past calling my name..chanting, recalling me to them... I feel this way. I am not in the reality i want to be in and i do not see a way out at this moment. I am stuck between the ebb and flow or reality, watching, living, and waiting...
********************** How Do You Feel... Let Me know...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Perhaps for a time period the make incursions into this existence. Then they quickly retreat...When we are in them, it is a wonderful life but when they retreat it feels like your whole world is being torn apart. We try to be strong and make the right decision but whatever you do it is evil to somebody. WE grow, We live, We learn from these experiences and wait for the flow to the next incursion...
Idyllic realities:::While you are in a down-cycle of a non-incursion, life is straining and tiresome. One can become restless and irritable with his or her person and with others. They can become discontent with life and their surroundings. Things of pleasure can become mundane and non-enjoyable. Discontent runs rampant...
Idyllic realities:::Most go through their lives never knowing or understanding this cycle ever happens and most are the better for it. When our eyes are opened to the countless possibilities of different realities that exist and that have existed, one can and will yearn for more than is provided from main line reality...
Idyllic realities:::The cycle of Idyllic realities ebb and flow like the body’s natural circadian rhythm lasting for 24 hours. The endless cycles of Idyllic reality can last for many years or as short as a day. Some experience them for years of bliss and some lives never get to experience them at all. They go through life in hellish ways never know the luxury or the feeling of an Idyllic reality flow...
Idyllic realities:::While we are in a flux state of a non-incursion, we cannot control the length of this event. We can, however, take proactive steps to make ourselves susceptible to the event of the next Idyllic reality incursion and cycle. This is not to say we can control it as no one is in control of the ebb and flow it is only that we can be ready and on the event horizon of a new beginning cycle...
Idyllic realities:::For some, those fortunate few, that live their whole lives in an Idyllic Reality, it is like falling in love with your grade school sweetheart and marrying her, then living your whole life together in the home town. Any disruption in this flow would disrupt this reality. I for one, cannot say, if this is an Idyllic reality or not, for i have never had this. I have never been in this type of situation. I have never been that content. I have always yearned for more; some existential force to guide me to the "promise land" where i could be happy and have the live i so wanted or thought i needed. I digress...
Idyllic realities:::If you are in a cycle of an Idyllic reality, an major or sudden change can disrupt the flow of the cycle to such a magnitude that it can recede back into a point of nonexistence. Such major events can be a move, a divorce, a death or any other such life shattering event; it can and will upset the balance of the flow and make it retreat, perhaps for a long time or perhaps, if you are a lucky individual, just a short time but while waiting, it can make your life a jumbled mess...
Idyllic realities:::A move, let’s talk about this instance. When you are in an up cycle and all is well, life is good for the most part. If a move is in the future for the individual things become in turmoil. Jobs for one or the other, friends from both, church and school become a distant memory. Sometimes you will be lucky and see people from your other life and cycle or perhaps not lucky at all and loose total contact of friends never to hear from them again. While living in this new place and waiting for a new cycle to begin, it can become a stressful time as well for you are not in an Idyllic reality. Trying to find employment, church, friends, life, is a struggle between the parties involved. Much discontent is at home until such things can be set straight and life can become ready for the idea of the event horizon of a new Idyllic reality flow...
Idyllic realities:::It is funny, you know the feeling that it is going to be tomorrow and that will be the day? That is the feeling of being on the event horizon. When tomorrow comes and nothing is changed, you are still in the same place and spot in this existence not entering into a new flow; some get stuck in this position for a very long time. They say, "If i could just get a break" or i feel like i am in the right path" or even "i know something is going to go right" All of these instances are when the person is on the event horizon but they are not ready and the new flow has not started to mature. Being stuck on the event horizon is just as bad as being in a non-flow. Life can and will be just as hard as being in the midst of a total non-flow event and they will be in a flux state...
Idyllic realities:::Sometimes we can create a reality bubble that is very Idyllic such as taking a road trip with friends and listening to music and having great comrade during that time. During these short excursions, you can force an Idyllic reality flow to happen but only for the duration of the trip. When you return to the normal flow and life, you will be out of the Idyllic reality and the flow, sometimes to be stuck on the Event Horizon or in the beginning of another non-event. Sometimes the return to a non-event is a hard happening...
Idyllic realities:::Sometimes when you try to force an event to happen the downside of the event is not really worth all the mental and physical effort that was put into the forcing of the new flow. You can and will feel drained by the excretion of resources that were expended in the undertaking...
Idyllic realities:::While in a non-cycle of an incursion, life can be strenuous at best. Money and jobs can be at a low and the prospect of them can be far and few, possibly, not in the same town or state for that matter. Personal life can be a real issue as well. Being discontent with one's self makes one discontent with others as well. This gives little comfort to our significant other(s) while in this state. This can put a strain on relationships both romantic and non-romantic. It can appear as if nothing has or will go the right way for the person. It can seem that they are up against the whole world and nothing will go their way no matter how hard they try to make it. This is a hard time to be in when this situation is happening to an individual. It is much like a depression or being in a depressed state of being both mentally, financially, and physically...
Idyllic realities:::When a person is in a non-cycle of an event incursion, they; if they search and study themselves long enough, will see and find a discontinuity or relationships in their lives. I find this very apparent in my life. This can manifest itself in the form of art, literature, music, or some other sort of passion. One will find that their “Normal” activities, normal to them, are very different and have vastly different meanings to them then they have to others. It is almost like finding your muse, so to speak. Some of these differences become apparent when a person is on the event horizon of their next Idyllic reality flow. This can be a sign of a new Idyllic reality starting to take effect in a person's life. Epiphanies happen and major realizations are made during this warming up period...
Idyllic realities:::When the person is in the non-event but on the Event Horizon, things appear to go their way. Their outlook on life becomes much brighter and they build up a forward momentum. Their outlook becomes greater and they finally feel like they can put plans into place that they have been holding onto for some time. This all takes a great deal of energy and though for this to happen but it can all crumble don't in an instant if they fall from the even horizon back to the beginning on a non-event. The person(s) will feel as if their lat breath of air was just sucked out of their body and all they had hoped for had been taken away. All the planning was for not. They can feel helpless and paralyzed by what was will be and what could have been not ever happening. They can and will feel drained of both time and energy making all the preparations they they made waiting for the next Idyllic reality to happen. Now, sadly, they are in a rebuilding phase, trying to recoup what was lost, both time and energy, waiting and building...
Idyllic realities:::This is not to say that when a person is in a non-event things cannot go their way. Sometimes while a person is in a non-event, they have to think and look at a totally different direction to go in their professional and personal lives. When things do not go the way they were heading while they were on the event horizon. Many times we have all heard the old saying "if it didn't happen then it was not meant to be" and we get sick and tired of it. Perhaps, just perhaps, this is a true statement after all? When your ever move is blocked while trying to better yourself out of your geographical area and you find something (much) better in your local, then perhaps it is true. You might not be in an Idyllic reality but you might just be riding high on a swell, perhaps like a sine wave looks. You are not in a valley, you are not at an event horizon, you are not in an idyllic reality, you are on a peak in a non-flow event...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Perhaps when you are not in a Flow or on an Event Horizon, you are just in a low or valley. Perhaps you are pushed in a lateral direction into something that is not of your choosing but out of necessity to survive. Perhaps the Universe has a different plan or plane for you to be on, not to you immediate liking, but where you need to be in this space and time. It is a hard thing to understand and come to grips with. To borrow from "Desiderata" And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
It is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, it is hard to let go of control...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Even if we want them to happen with all our might, they do not happen, life happens to us and drags us back down. We feel lifeless and no direction. Things present themselves to us such as opportunities, people, places, from our past. We are in the doldrums of a non-event with no sight of a new flow happening in the foreseeable future. Events in our lives can transpire that might occupy our thoughts from the non-event, but i think that Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. They become a figment of out imagination, far from our reach. Perhaps at some point, one will happen when we least expect it to. Time will tell. I read a quote that states: "A Man Is Stagnate if His Dreams Equal His Reality" Such a true statement...
Idyllic realities:::Do Not Exist. Much can happen when we start or try to start a new path to travel. Many ups and downs happen. Some, we like and some, we don't, but they happen and we have no control over them. I miss the hustle and bustle of a metro area...the life I once had...shattered realities calling my essence like an elder god from the past. Not really settled in my life where I am living. I hear distant echoes of lives past calling my name..chanting, recalling me to them... I feel this way. I am not in the reality i want to be in and i do not see a way out at this moment. I am stuck between the ebb and flow or reality, watching, living, and waiting...
********************** How Do You Feel... Let Me know...
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